I began to experience the benefits of my new habits in subtle ways, and it was not like my life changed from one day to the next, I also didn’t want that because if it did, I would have probably fallen back into the same old bad habits. One of the first benefits was that when I would think about that question (Is this what I want to dedicate my life to?) I would consciously notice that I was asking myself this question. I say consciously because before I would just get into a never-ending spiral, and in the end, I never even notice when I started to ask this question. After a few weeks, I began to become aware of my thoughts, and this genuinely made me excited, because I felt like was gaining control over my thoughts, and this felt empowering. A few days later after having this realization, I again asked myself the question, and this time I had a very important realization. I understood that every time that I would begin to try and answer this question, my mind would go off into the future and I would stop living in the present. I would pre-ocuppy myself, and I want to emphasize the word preoccupy because we quite literally occupy ourselves before it even happens (Pre - ocuppy). This directly causes anxiety and worry, all because we pre-occupy ourselves with the future.
At this moment I knew that this question would not get me anywhere, and if it did, I have a feeling that it would have probably taken me to a place where I wouldn’t like to be. From then on, I felt liberated because I knew that I needed to occupy myself doing the things that I love and stop preoccupying myself. Once I realized this, I decided that I wanted to venture into myself and into my music. I thought “ok, if I’m having trouble saying what my practice is, then it’s because I haven’t given myself the time to explore what my practice actually is. I need to give myself the time to figure out what my practice is for my current self, and not for my future self”. It felt like therapy with me and myself, and it was actually very healthy, unlike the unhealthy times when instead of therapy it would just become overthinking and worrying about the future. That’s when it hit me; this is exactly the place where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing. Every time I have these realizations I get so excited in a very unique way and I tell to myself “I’m excited to live! I’m excited about life!”. I tell this to myself because I genuinely believe that I am capable of doing so much, and I know that I will, that’s why I get so excited.
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